Is this a necessary heartache?

Yesterday night my husband wen out and didnt go home while at work.. He is definitly taking advantage of my night shift and do things that may hurt me.. He don seem to care abt it at all. Gosh.. how long more will this end? Today it ZOUK OUT!!! now i'm at work.. while i a was getting ready for work, my husband is totally asleep in front of my eye.. I dono if that is TRUE.. cos i have this feeling he will go out tonight.. Allah pls help me.. do something that he will regret cos i'm putting myself a commitment to family an di do hope he will too.. get him a job so he can help me in some financial support. sigh..

i miss my papa.. papa is in prison.. i dono la.. headache uh.. allah pls give this family some blessings.. haizzz... my husband.. he is nice now.. tomorrow uncertain.. pls give me hope to move on..

I donno if this is wat i wan.. He make me sick.. Made me feel guilty of things that i suppose i didn't do. Y does it have to be me?? What is in facebook that makes him say things that i don even know and wants me to find out my own mistake myself.. Arrgghh!! Full of nonsense.. Partly is my fault to engage myself to a married life with someone that is NEVER prepared to be a husband.. So far, I've been a faithful wife.. Since the marriage happens, i've never cheated on him or go out with someone else..

I'm 8days late right now.. Hopefully not gonna be pregnant.. I don wan my kids ggrowing up to know that his father is irresponsible, tempermental.. asshole!!!

Mummy changed her number.. Mummy wan2 be left alone.. Y?? Y can't be the mother that give unconditional love?? Mummy sayang aku mcm mane ni?? aku sedih.. laki aku madang tglkan aku.. buat perangai.. aku kerje keras.. aku tk pernah niat utk kurang ajar dgn mak aku.. mak aku tk jage aku dari aku 6tahun.. mak aku tk faham ape erti korban demi anak.. aku rindu mak aku.. aku sayang mak aku.. adik aku baru 3tahun.. mak aku baru lalui masalah sedikit.. tapi mak lain banyak.. besarkan anak.. papa madang pergi.. jumpe doctor.. for years and years.. sampai kite tk kenal mak bapak kami.. aku sayang adik aku.. balik la adik.. jgn madang dgn kawan je.. i love my family.. aku da delete number mummy.. mummy ade family baru.. laki aku ade family.. mak der sayang der.. madang mara tapi mak der jage der.. der tk faham ape kite rase.. nyai aku sayang aku.. aku sayang der... adik i love u.. i don wan2 blame anyone.. i love everyone.. aku slack.. malas nk hidup.. malas nk dgr malas nk bbl!!!! aku benci hidup gini.. mummy cinta la kami.. apa pun masalah jgn la disowned us.. we love u mum.. sampai bila.. kami dulu selalu carik mummy.. alangkah indahnya kalo mummy yg kerat tulang dan bertumpahan darah utk kami.. ampunkan dosa kami mummy..

I feel bored today.. Hmmm.. after my mum chased us out of the house, we became more independent.. I love my husband more.. but i have this feeling he still cheats on me.. i can't accuse but to wait till the time comes.. he still hit me sometimes.. but wat can i do?? i feel near yet far.. wat is this?? he said i irritate him sometimes.. damn.. i feel so like shit sia.. like today, his break time is 2hr.. not even a sec he called to check on me.. infact, he have never checked on me at all.. only i'm the one who's keep on calling.. understand he;s using prepaid.. but don tell me, that to waste just 10cents on me is hard for him.. god, wtf am i goin through?? who am i with now?? my husband / or stranger?? arhgg.. forget boput it.. as long as i son get to find out again that he cheats on me.. bloody hurts..

Return

Hi, many things happened these few month or weeks indeed. My parents chased out of hse n now i'm staying in my papa's hse. my papa went to prison for drugs again.. hotdog nothing.. my husband no difference.. I don understand this life.. my sis worst!! i hate this life.. full of miserables!! miah resigned.. hotdog try to get away from me i guess.. ok lah.. gtg!!

Back to normal

Its been quite a long time that i didn't write.. Haiz.. Recently, there's lot of unneccesary problems happening while yan in school. I hope non of this will happen again.. Let me tell the story... This all happen not just because of misunderstandings.. This all is because money, less time together n miscommunication.. I love my husband alot.. He is schooling.. Few times i happen to caught him 'cheating' on me which he denies.. Nobody admits their mistake UNLESS they were caught red handed n had no choice but to admit..

I caught him smsing a girl.. Nurul.. Not only once but few times.. He said she's just a schoolmate.. I doubt it.. Because, a schoolmate would have something important to talk about at 2am in the morning.. It hurts cos i'm his wife.. I've been so patientwith him as for our daughter and my love sake.. My daughter will see us for above..

Second.. He had Gonorhhea!!!! That is STUPID... He fucked girls outside.. He claims that he fucked that girl about 8mths before his symptoms occurs.. Which is unlogic!! Cos i got the symptom a few days after we had sex while he is having his 'sickness'.. I didn't suspect anything.. But it became worst few days after.. He urines BLOOD!!! n having yellow discharge.. Then i start to suspect.. It hurts more.. Shit.. Wat the fuck man?? Having this sickness is fast infected as i made a research.. It occurs between 2 to 7 days after intercourse.. He fooled me.. Nevermind its ok.. I'm not ready to move on without him.. I'll be patient.. Fuck.. This is humiliating, unfaithful, disgusting, annoying, frustrating n more 'ings'....

Two days ago as i came back from night shift in the morning i saw this beautiful 'present' caught my eye as i thought my husband bought for me as an apology.. I don't really expect a present but i would be so happy if he do so.. As he about to go to work.. I asked who's the present for?? It seem so beautiful from outside it.. First he said it is from his colleague at his part time job!! Then.. He suddenly changed it.. Said it actually for me..

I was very happy indeed.. OMG!! A present for me.. As he went out to work.. I opened the present.. N i found a shocking truth that is not for me.. It's a MEN body lotion n cologne!! WTF!!! I'm hurt again.. In a nice packaging?? A MEN's body care?? I suspected.. N everyone WILL assume the same thing.. FROM A GIRL!!! He denies again.. He gave me a 'fairy tale'.. He said the day before after work his MALE classmate (Yusri) made a bet out of his date of birth.. (???)
N he won.. So his 'fren' bought the Body Shop for MEN n the item happens to come with a nice packaging.. A red ribbon n a lime green box?? As what i know that Body Shop will not pack it in a 'nice' way UNLESS that person asked for it.. Get wat I mean? Sound so STUPID.. Thinking I'm a kid.. HEY GROW UP!!! I'M YOUR WIFE!!!

Arrggghhh!!! He denies it till now.. Its Like WATEVER!!!! I don fuck care.. Ya i'll just shut up.. N be patient.. But in my heart.. It is torn to peaces... Allah.. Please give faith to me to go through all hardships.. I wan2 be a loyal n faithful waife to him.. Allah.. Please open his heart make him realise wat his doing now.. I love him n wan2 have his kids again.. He is the only man that i love.. Please answer my prayers Allah...

Sad

I feel so sad... I cried.. I love him.. He says i humiliate him but.. I feel the pain in my heart.. I love him so much.. I was assulted.. Allah give me peace in mind.. Putri, pls pray for our happiness.. I feel pain on my body.. But the pain in my heart is deeper.. Kill me!!! I hate this life.. God take my soul away.. Let me be with Putri.... I hate it.. I love him.. But i hate life!!! God y u punish me this WAY?? I love u muhammad sufiyan.. But... U dare to hurt mr.. How dare u... Y don u have a feeling for me?? *SOB*-_-...

Today i feel frustrated with my husband.. He really piss me off.. Fuck!!! He said he had 20bucks that he finish it for a day in school?? He asked for 30bucks from me.. I don mind about that in the first place.. Yesterday i bought him a shoe n a nice bag that he longing for.. He asked why i bought for him?? Fuck!! Wat hell qsn is that??? He didn't even say thanks.. I hate him.. He seem so happy that i i gave him the 30bucks just now.. gosh... Wat is he been up to?? I love him.. Pls.. Don let him fool me like a stupid pig... I don like to be a fool wat can i do??? Shit!!!!!!

I miss Syaza Puteri Nursufrina.. Bile mama nk cium, peluk, bergurau dgn putri?? Mama rindu sangat.. Everyday, mama ingat puteri.. Syg, maafkan mama.. Mama jahat abaikan putri.. But i still love u n miss u all along.. Putri tinggalkan mama terlalu cepat dan tak sempat mama tgk putri besar, pegi skola.. Mama slalu mimpi putri.. itu putri ke?? syg teman mama dalam mimpi/ tdo mama?? mama sentiase akan do'a kan putri, bace al fatehah, dan segalenye utk putri.. I love u dear.. Pls don leave me in my dreams.. Pls protect papa n mama.. Mama n papa will always pray for u in heaven sayang.. Miss u so much dear.. Life w/o u is so different n its always better wen u were ard.. Ya, Allah, Pls protct my baby girl that now belongs to u.. Thank you Allah..

Dead Shit..

To my love Md. s.... I love u for all my life.. you've been supporting me all this while.. and watever shit it is.. I'm all alone today.. Shit.. I'm confuzzed in my life.. Where can i go? what can i do?? What will our future be?? How long will our marriage last?? When will be having a child?? I'm struggling in my life.. Should i go back to start a part time?? I got a list to do by this april.. I need money.. I need to buy a notebook so i can start working on my internet job.. I need it so i can tell my stories in blog.. Go to skype.. Basically its more for job.. And by this coming salry i will need:-
1. I need abt S$300/- to buy the pdt for my internet job.
2. I need abt S$346.15 to buy the notebook
3. I need abt S$200/- to enrol on my teaching course (as i wan2 upgrade myself and this is one in a lifetime opportunity to achieve my goal and dream.
4. As usual i need to give my mum $450/-
5. My S$160.24 handphone bills... Arghh!!!
Stress!!

And some more my daily expenditures.. My husband is schooling.. His bus fares, food.. OMG!!! Wen will god stop torturing me like this..?? I need a loan.. But 1 got 1 good gossip news.. And i'm not sure bout it.. Some of my colleages says that there'll be bonus coming.. If it comes, that's good.. But if it isn't then i'm fucking hell dead.. Haiz

Today, i'm all alone.. My husband went for his school camping and will be back in 2 days time.. I feel unsecure (always).. Trying to maintain my emos.. Cos in the morning before he goes off, i called his few times to check on his status.. Hoping he wld cancel the trip.. But out of anger he said tome, " Pls stop being so controlling freak. I'm only gone for 2days and you were already like a mad women." I paused and hang up on him. I move on today without continue to think abt him and now i did. I try to keep myself motivated by listening to the 'Miss Independent' song by Ne-yo.. I'm too in love with my husband and seeing myself being unsecure.. I need help to control my emotions for him.. I tried to ignore him but i can't.. anyway, I did.. And i will try again.